If we hadn't lost Johnny, Miran wouldn't be here. How strange that our greatest tragedy has led to our greatest joy. What would things be like if Johnny had lived? We would have a 10-month-old now. Would he be standing up? Talking? Laughing? What kind of parents would we be? I can say with fair certainty that the experience of losing Johnny has made me a better mom. I don't take my sweet Miran for granted, and I am keenly aware just how blessed Kieryn and I are to have him. Did Johnny come and go so that his brother would have better parents?
I have been, however briefly, in the position of someone who questioned whether she could ever be a mom at all, and my heart positively aches for all the couples who struggle to start a family. When I thought I might be in that boat, it was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.
I have made peace with losing Johnny, but I still miss and think of him often. He is still and will always be my baby, a much loved and wanted child. Yet I would not undo the past, for I know things are as they were meant to be. I think Miran looks like Johnny, and it makes me smile to think of my two boys, brothers. I love them both with all my heart.
Below is a poem written by another mom of a rainbow baby:
A Different Child
A different child,
There's a special glow around you.
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
--Pandora Diane MacMillan
One year ago today
5 years ago