Well, it looks like my cervix is starting to shorten rapidly, so I'm back on modified home bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. The situation is not critical, but to prevent further shortening it's best if I'm off my feet as much as possible. Otherwise, things are going well, and Miran seems to be doing fine. He'll get measured and evaluated more thoroughly at next week's ultrasound. I really hope my cervix holds where it is or, if it's going to keep shortening, goes at a slower pace. Luckily, I've read a lot of stories of women with cervixes much shorter than mine who went on bed rest and delivered full term, so I'm quite optimistic, but slightly nervous about the increased risk of an early birth. But every extra week in the womb does wonders for Miran's growth and for his odds not just of survival, but of well being. So even if I don't go full term, I'll be grateful to get as far as possible. And honestly, considering everything we went through last year, I am incredibly grateful to have been able to carry Miran to 27 weeks and counting . . . I don't want to lose sight of how wonderful it is that I have carried a baby to viability when, not long ago, I didn't know whether I'd ever be able to do that.
But I am very sad to have to stop working, mainly because I really love my job. The kids make me happy, and I enjoy their enthusiasm and humor and innocence. I enjoy teaching them, and I'm going to miss that. I'm also going to miss my daily interactions with colleagues. On bed rest, it's easy to feel detached from the rest of the world, and one of the nicest things about going back to work on Monday was feeling like I was part of the "living world" again.
Nevertheless, I feel pretty peaceful knowing that I am doing the best thing for my baby. Even if bed rest doesn't help, at least if something does go wrong, I'll know I did all I could. If I continued to work and something went wrong, I'd never know for sure whether that caused it, and I know I'd feel guilty. It's taken me a long time to get over the feelings of guilt I had when we lost Johnny (not going to the hospital sooner, not advocating better for him when they said it was hopeless and they had to induce (and I found out later it wasn't and they didn't)). So this time -- I'm taking NO risks, I'm playing it super safe, and I'm not sorry. I'm sad that it has to be this way, but I'm not sorry.
So I go in tomorrow for the final day of teaching for the year. The kids don't know, and it's hard not being able to say goodbye properly--but it's better that way for a variety of reasons. I'll go back and visit them when I am full term or after the baby's born. Only two or three months now!
Oh, also--took a big step today and signed up for two maternity classes at the hospital, one on baby care and one on breastfeeding. Both are in late February, so I've got fingers crossed that I get to that point! I'll be somewhere around 33-34 weeks at the time--so thrilling to even imagine being that pregnant! And it really isn't that far away . . .
One year ago today
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